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5 REASONS you’re not achieving your goals- ending the cycle of New Year, same you.

The New Year often acts as a tabula rasa for our lives. An anticipated restart button to reach again for our elusive goals abandoned the previous year, as well as new resolutions.
From fitness to career and mental New Year’s resolutions, the month of January sees many people motivated to go for bigger and better- be their best selves, it’s your hot girl year. Until the romanticisation of implementing new habits get jettisoned and reality sets.
Here are five things I have recognised that previously hindered me from achieving my New Year goals- which you might identify within yourself stops you from achieving your goals in general.

1. Setting goals that are not yours.

In your bid to grow and develop a better career, improved fitness routine or better relationships- start your journey with some introspection to discern what season each goal fits.

Everybody around you projecting a particular positive standard should be inspirational. However, that does not mean that’s the standard for you at that stage of life. If your season requires a level 60 push, forcing yourself to output 100 effort will eventually leave you overwhelmed, and you will crash and burn before fulfilling the end goal.

Your goals don’t have to be big and grand to make sense to anyone. As long as it is tailored to your needs and challenges you just enough without breaking you- it is valid.

2. Your low self-esteem is affecting your self-discipline.

“The feeling of being valuable is a cornerstone of self-discipline because when one considers oneself valuable, one will take care of oneself in all the ways that are necessary.”M Scott Peck, The Road less travelled.

One of the reasons achieving our goals can be difficult is our fickle self-discipline. You can’t adopt a new habit of waking up at 5 am every morning. Go to the gym. Cook and eat three balanced meals a day. Developing healthy relationships and excelling in your career- if you do not feel valuable enough to have the rewards of that routine.

Alongside implementing a plethora of new goals, the foundation of successfully executing these resolutions is identifying and asserting your value to yourself. Ultimately, if you see yourself as a valuable being, you will maintain the discipline to give yourself the best life has to offer.

3. Overwhelming yourself by implementing every goal at once.

There are 12 months in the year. You will be setting yourself up for failure by introducing your brain to 10 new habits in month one. Your brain needs time to adjust to new routines.

If it feels overexerted, it will revert to old comfortable patterns. And you will be left feeling demotivated and discouraged at your lack of consistency.
To achieve large-scale resolutions, you have to break up your goals into bite-size chunks. For example, if the goal is to improve your fitness by working out five times a week- it will be unfair to your body to throw yourself into it from week 1. You will work up to that goal by working out two times a week in month one, then gradually increasing the frequency every month- this challenges you but isn’t as strenuous for your brain as the former.

Allow yourself to work up to your goals. Transformation still happens when you take steady steps instead of massive leaps.

4. Our need for immediate gratification.

The reality is, long term goals require patience, time, discipline and consistency to execute successfully. In our society of ‘next-day delivery’ and ‘lose 30 lbs in one week drinking slim tea’, we have evolved into beings driven by quick results. And when the reward does not come in fast enough- we quit. Because “if it hasn’t happened in a month, it won’t work.” 

“Delaying gratification is a process of scheduling the pain and pleasure of life in such a way as to enhance the pleasure by meeting and experiencing the pain first and getting it over with.”- M Scott Peck

In the quote above, the pain symbolises the discipline of showing up every day for yourself, even if there isn’t a visible result quite yet.

There are no immediate gratifications for long term goals- learn to trust your process and believe in the pleasure at the end of the road.

5. Shiny-object syndrome.

You have somehow convinced yourself that you need the modelled home office set up to avert your procrastination or start that business. All the planners advertised to be more organised. The gym accessories or a Gymshark decked out fitness gear wardrobe to kickstart your fitness goals. 

You can have the best equipment and resources needed to execute your dreams at your disposal, but if the issues highlighted in the previous points are not improved on, you will never feel ready. Start where you are and find ways to make what you currently have work for you when commencing your journey. You will never feel 100% ready to transform your life. But the more steps you gradually take utilising everything you have now, the more confident you become in achieving your goals.

The beauty of life is that we constantly grow and better ourselves across different aspects. Depending on the aspiration, we can become immensely overwhelmed by the changes needed to evolve. And change can be scary while old habits lurk around the corner pulling us back into familiarity and comfort. But it is in this fear that we uncover the highest version of ourselves- if we persist. So this year, I hope you get better at chasing and achieving everything you have aspired to, with a middle finger up to fear and uncertainty.

Home · Love

How to Get Over a “Situationship” or Not.

Right now it feels like out of the billions of people breathing on earth, your heart was the only target to break. It feels like the world is out to get you or you are being punished for something you did when you were just a floating sperm in your daddy’s ball sack. And the whole world ridicules you for this feeling because how dare you catch feelings for someone who has not clearly made you their partner.

The definition of a situationship is subjective but it is a common consensus that this is a romantic situation which has some exclusivity but not certainty and verbal agreement of a relationship. In such situations, one party holds on to the hope of the situation progressing into a relationship based on their translation of the actions and words of the other party involved. This leaves a grey area and a lot of room for hurt that is opened widely when the least emotionally attached party leaves. Truth is whatever the definition of the romantic situation was, your heart was still involved and it was broken.

Being hurt by a romantic situation you only ever poured love and kindness into sucks. Being hurt by someone who is nonchalant to your pain, sucks. Being hurt and feeling stupid because you allowed someone else to consume you to the point of relinquishing power, sucks. It feels like they have all the power over your right now. You are in tears and you just want to rip through every layer of skin and maybe, just maybe you can make it to your heart and find a switch in there somewhere to turn the pain off.

The heart is one of the most powerful muscles in the body. It is a beautiful, vital organ that keeps us alive but yet right now it feels like its sole purpose is to kill you. This muscle expands unlike any other in the body and when you are hurt it feels like every artery stretches and intertwines with your intestines; forming knots of anguish in your stomach. If only our body processes hurt as it does food waste right… like “oh after a good laxative and 30 minutes on the toilet seat I will be completely free of the pain”.

But it doesn’t.

Why do heartbreaks hurt so much?

Well… you’ve heard that “the harder you love, the more you get hurt”. When you become enamoured of someone and open up for them, your little heart expands because now you task it with the responsibility of beating for two. This is why the thought of something bad happening to someone you have “caught feelings” for shatters you. This is why you ask constantly if they have eaten. If they are sleeping enough, breathing enough, tying their durag properly, balancing work pressures well, their family’s health and safety… remind them to breath. Your brain naturally sends signals to your body for these things for yourself but when you love someone, your heart believes it has to remind their brain to function as well.

So when your love interest leaves, your heart has to learn how to contract just enough without becoming too little and disappearing altogether; I mean it still has to keep beating for you right. This is where the hurt paralyses you. Your heart had expanded so big and adapted to beating for someone else so quickly that this change and need for contraction is quite literally breaking it. You might have to lose chips of it to get it to fit in your body again; after all you have made it grow beyond its fist size when you filled it with love for this person that it burst out of your body trying to connect it’s ventricles to theirs every time you hugged them

So what is the magic trick to making the hurt go away?

I could give you a list of actions and advice on “How to heal from a heartbreak”, “How to stop hurting and move on”, “How to move on from loving someone who doesn’t love you” but darling sometimes you just need to allow yourself to break. Muscles grow back bigger and stronger after a lot of pressure is applied; your heart is no exception. I’ll love to tell you that “you will be fine, you deserve love….” but truth is you already know this babe. You have been here before and even if this is your first time, you know that nothing lasts forever.

This is not a post for positive validation or affirmations. Today I just want you to know that your hurt is seen, it is valid and you should not run away from it.

Why are you even hurt? I mean it was only a dating situation its not like you were in a relationship or anything.

Why are you even hurt? You’ve only known them for just a couple of months.

Why are you even hurt? You allowed yourself to catch feelings so that’s on you.

Why are you even hurt? You got yourself in and stayed in that situation didn’t you?

Why are you even hurt? They’ve moved on.. you over estimated your importance and relevance to them so…

Why are you even hurt? You were the one stupid enough to see the red flags as cerise coloured drapes.

Why are you even hurt? It was clearly there, you just didn’t look close enough.

Why are you even hurt? You could’ve prevented this by leaving first, I mean you had many chances to do so.

Why are you even hurt? Everyone else could see how little you meant to them.

Why are you even hurt? You are nothing to them….. but in this moment, they are everything to you.

You are gaslighting your emotions a lot right now. You are explaining every single action and inaction and oversight and everything… You just want them to say something right? To maybe just validate your hurt and your reality. To make you feel less stupid and naive? To confirm that all the passion you felt was indeed real and not a prolonged daydream? You just want them to say more.. to explain more.. to make it hurt less, to give you…. closure. Their inaction or silence is a clear communication and all the closure you need my darling.

My darling I know it hurts. Fuck I know how much this is breaking you right now. It is paralysing and you want to scream so loud that maybe faint sounds of your despair will travel to them and they will come riding on a horse to rescue you from this tower of pain you are trapped in. My darling I know you are trying so hard to make sense of it all, to decide whether to put all the walls back up or keep believing in the fairy tale you deserve. Maybe if you looked into their eyes one more time their soul will get lost in the light of yours and maybe if you touch them one more time they will remember how you both melted into one so many times.. when you moaned in synchronicity at every thrust, when you hugged at every meeting and goodbye, when you moisturised their skin with butter and a whole lot of love radiating through your palms.

I wish I could share these generic lists and tips with you that will magically make it all okay; I could but I don’t want to. I want you to feel every single heart throb. I want you to be aware of how tight the walls of your chest come together when you squeeze the warm tears from your eyes. I want you to lay in bed and not want to do anything for days and I want you to fucking feel all of the hurt and confusion because like waste, your body gets better by expelling negative emotions outwards. No brain trick is going to actively make you stop loving them tomorrow or next week or next month.

You are going to love them, long for what was and what could’ve been, You are going to get up everyday and work through the hurt because well capitalism has us by the neck babes and you can’t be heartbroken and broke at the same time x. You will be aware of the hurt and affection when you randomly miss them because you are making breakfast and you made your toast just how they liked theirs. You are going to miss them because you opened that wallet that still smells of their perfume from months ago. You are going to miss the plans you never fulfilled because they are fulfilling them with others right now. You are going block and unblock, see what they are up to until one day you will realise, you have not thought about them in over a month.

One day you will be making your toast and you will get flashbacks of how they liked theirs and giggle at how silly it all was. One day you will realise you have not cared about what they are up to in a week, a month, a year. One day you will realise your heart has perfectly contracted to only beat for you and you won’t shed a tear. One day, the hurt would have completely pass out of your body through your tears, your sweat, your breath, your will. One day you will accept that your love was one of the most beautiful things you shared at that time and they needed it. One day you will love again. And again. And again. And again until your body becomes one with the earth and your soul gives the universe more love than it could ever give when it was harboured by your body.

*Processing or experiencing heartbreak should not result to physically harming yourself or others and their properties. If you find yourself actively trying to do this, seek support from friends and family and or medical help. Sometimes all you need is someone to listen to you cry and hug you without invalidating your feelings. Don’t catch a case or destroy yourself as a result of lack of romantic love please babes. Cry and block and unblock and block and unblock but do not every escalate it to an action that will damage your character or other relationships.

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An African Girl’s introduction to sex is an experience of Abuse.

Most African women’s first sexual experience is one of abuse

Sanusia, in a clubhouse room on 21 January 2021.

The statement above is quite a big statement right? It was my intention to welcome to you to my blog with a light-hearted Valentine’s Day post decorated in red roses and hearts. You will see red all over this post; unfortunately not roses. This post has hearts; unfortunately they are broken fragments scattered around the statistics I will be presenting you and my personal account. Let’s get to the lovey dovey stuff another day.

Statistics are the numbers and percentages we use to validate a statement or an experience of a group of people. We are all pretty much on the same page on the fact that many women get sexually assaulted at least once in their lifetime right? At least I hope I don’t have to insert some numbers in here to convince you of this reality. On the discourse of sexual assault and rape in Africa, statistics simply do not represent the extent of the damage done.

“In most countries with data available on rape, less than 40% of women who experience sexual violence seek help. Less than 10% seek assistance from law enforcement”

World Population review

Rape statistics in Africa are badly skewed because our society includes that of rape culture on steroids. You know…. the victim blaming; you are a girl why were you wearing that? Why did you go to his house? Why were you out at night alone? Why do you want to embarrass our family with such an accusation? He is your uncle, you have to respect him. This is just what men do, boys will always be boys….

Why am I talking about this today?

This post is inspired by a series of events that transpired after joining a Clubhouse room. This room focused on Black women statistics with the discourse centered on mental and sexual health. The hosts present a statistic and open the conversation for contribution from the audience (more statistics, a statement, perspective). We were presented with a research by Public Health England on sexual competence at sexual debut. This research stated that lower amount of Black African women reported being sexually competent at sexual debut. The amount of education you have on sex, safe sex and consent contributes to your sexual competence.

My response to this was ” most African women’s first sexual experience is one of abuse so they have cultivated a culture of silence and shame. Sex is introduced as something done to them not something they are an active participant in therefore they are usually not sexually competent….” My statement was important and relevant and I was taken aback by the anxiety that enveloped me when I started speaking so I quickly finished off without presenting statistics on this statement. I did not realise that even though some speakers who had spoken before me presented no numbers, the absence of statistics invalidated my statement and made it unfathomable. I immediately left the room after speaking and went into a meditation room to calm my anxiety. A couple of hours later I research the hashtag to catch up on any relevant information I had missed, then I found this.

she made a big statement based off nothing.

I repeated that statement over and over again. I was filled with rage. Why am I so angry that a stranger disregarded this statement? Surely it’s not that outlandish of a statement right? Why am I crying? I breathed. It did not stop. I woke the next morning and the bells chimed loudly in my head again. See to a sexual assault victim, their statements are always based off something even if it is just their own experience.

So here goes NOTHING…..

I could spend an entire day giving you numbers to justify the reality of these experiences but as someone who understands that the statistics on sexual assault in Africa in greatly underrepresented particularly in minors because of a culture of silence, shame and blame; I will give a story of someone who would’ve made 0.1% of the statistics if she participated in any of this research at the age of 6 and 13.

TRIGGER WARNING: Descriptive sexual assault and rape.

It has taken me a decade to understand and accept that these experiences I had are categorised under these terms. When I say “most African women’s first sexual experience is that of abuse” I speak for the “most” women who were not in the areas the research was done, so they didn’t make it to the statistics.

I speak for the “most” women who live in a society where sexual assault is so normalised that it will take them a decade plus to realise that the first time they had sex they were assaulted.

When I say “most” I speak for the 5 year olds, the babies, the 6 year olds, whose sexual assault traumas will be buried deep in that part of their brain that protects their innocence.

When I say “most” I speak for the girls who were raped by the 46% of men who admitted to committing rape when they were 10-14 in South Africa.

When I say “most” I speak for 6 and 13 year old Sanusias around the continent who will only have the courage to face the reality that their sexual debut was an experience of sexual abuse decades later.

6 year old Sanusia loved dancing. She happily joined Uncle Sofie’s dance competition he organised for the girls that night. If you win, you get a special prize. Of course I won. I have always been competitive and a great dancer. Uncle Sofie took me to his bedroom to give me my gift. I vividly remember my skirt being lifted, he complimented my panties and pulled them down. The rest well.. my 6 year old brain is still protecting me from that.

You know how the first sexual experience is usually depicted in the movies as two clueless teenagers exploring their bodies….. well reality is a little different for some of us. At 13 I was the most beautiful, radiant girl. Thanks to puberty the hips were doing their thang. I had gotten into an argument with my “boyfriend” at his mom’s house, she was not home. He was 19. Mid argument he slapped me and pushed me over the table. He took off my underwear and pushed, and thrusted, and pushed and thrusted until he was in. I winced at the pain from the force of him pushing and I hate myself for not crying, for not fighting, for simply laying emotionless watching him thrust and thrust until he was done. I was not ready for sex. I did not know about contraceptions or STDs I just knew I was “in love” and I was powerless. I got up when he was done and put on my stuff and left. This experience will repeat a few times until someone asks me for the first time when I was 20 “are you sure you want to have sex with me”.

I do not speak nor attempt to speak for all African women. I speak for the 0.1% of the statistic that each girl who couldn’t voice their experience would’ve contributed. In another post we will explore how abuse as a first sexual experience influences sexual behaviours. Again in that post and future topics like this, I will provide you with some numbers to add some validity to reality but I will always speak for me and for the “most” who do not make it to the statistics.