Right now it feels like out of the billions of people breathing on earth, your heart was the only target to break. It feels like the world is out to get you or you are being punished for something you did when you were just a floating sperm in your daddy’s ball sack. And the whole world ridicules you for this feeling because how dare you catch feelings for someone who has not clearly made you their partner.
The definition of a situationship is subjective but it is a common consensus that this is a romantic situation which has some exclusivity but not certainty and verbal agreement of a relationship. In such situations, one party holds on to the hope of the situation progressing into a relationship based on their translation of the actions and words of the other party involved. This leaves a grey area and a lot of room for hurt that is opened widely when the least emotionally attached party leaves. Truth is whatever the definition of the romantic situation was, your heart was still involved and it was broken.
Being hurt by a romantic situation you only ever poured love and kindness into sucks. Being hurt by someone who is nonchalant to your pain, sucks. Being hurt and feeling stupid because you allowed someone else to consume you to the point of relinquishing power, sucks. It feels like they have all the power over your right now. You are in tears and you just want to rip through every layer of skin and maybe, just maybe you can make it to your heart and find a switch in there somewhere to turn the pain off.
The heart is one of the most powerful muscles in the body. It is a beautiful, vital organ that keeps us alive but yet right now it feels like its sole purpose is to kill you. This muscle expands unlike any other in the body and when you are hurt it feels like every artery stretches and intertwines with your intestines; forming knots of anguish in your stomach. If only our body processes hurt as it does food waste right… like “oh after a good laxative and 30 minutes on the toilet seat I will be completely free of the pain”.
But it doesn’t.
Why do heartbreaks hurt so much?
Well… you’ve heard that “the harder you love, the more you get hurt”. When you become enamoured of someone and open up for them, your little heart expands because now you task it with the responsibility of beating for two. This is why the thought of something bad happening to someone you have “caught feelings” for shatters you. This is why you ask constantly if they have eaten. If they are sleeping enough, breathing enough, tying their durag properly, balancing work pressures well, their family’s health and safety… remind them to breath. Your brain naturally sends signals to your body for these things for yourself but when you love someone, your heart believes it has to remind their brain to function as well.
So when your love interest leaves, your heart has to learn how to contract just enough without becoming too little and disappearing altogether; I mean it still has to keep beating for you right. This is where the hurt paralyses you. Your heart had expanded so big and adapted to beating for someone else so quickly that this change and need for contraction is quite literally breaking it. You might have to lose chips of it to get it to fit in your body again; after all you have made it grow beyond its fist size when you filled it with love for this person that it burst out of your body trying to connect it’s ventricles to theirs every time you hugged them
So what is the magic trick to making the hurt go away?
I could give you a list of actions and advice on “How to heal from a heartbreak”, “How to stop hurting and move on”, “How to move on from loving someone who doesn’t love you” but darling sometimes you just need to allow yourself to break. Muscles grow back bigger and stronger after a lot of pressure is applied; your heart is no exception. I’ll love to tell you that “you will be fine, you deserve love….” but truth is you already know this babe. You have been here before and even if this is your first time, you know that nothing lasts forever.
This is not a post for positive validation or affirmations. Today I just want you to know that your hurt is seen, it is valid and you should not run away from it.
Why are you even hurt? I mean it was only a dating situation its not like you were in a relationship or anything.
Why are you even hurt? You’ve only known them for just a couple of months.
Why are you even hurt? You allowed yourself to catch feelings so that’s on you.
Why are you even hurt? You got yourself in and stayed in that situation didn’t you?
Why are you even hurt? They’ve moved on.. you over estimated your importance and relevance to them so…
Why are you even hurt? You were the one stupid enough to see the red flags as cerise coloured drapes.
Why are you even hurt? It was clearly there, you just didn’t look close enough.
Why are you even hurt? You could’ve prevented this by leaving first, I mean you had many chances to do so.
Why are you even hurt? Everyone else could see how little you meant to them.
Why are you even hurt? You are nothing to them….. but in this moment, they are everything to you.
You are gaslighting your emotions a lot right now. You are explaining every single action and inaction and oversight and everything… You just want them to say something right? To maybe just validate your hurt and your reality. To make you feel less stupid and naive? To confirm that all the passion you felt was indeed real and not a prolonged daydream? You just want them to say more.. to explain more.. to make it hurt less, to give you…. closure. Their inaction or silence is a clear communication and all the closure you need my darling.
My darling I know it hurts. Fuck I know how much this is breaking you right now. It is paralysing and you want to scream so loud that maybe faint sounds of your despair will travel to them and they will come riding on a horse to rescue you from this tower of pain you are trapped in. My darling I know you are trying so hard to make sense of it all, to decide whether to put all the walls back up or keep believing in the fairy tale you deserve. Maybe if you looked into their eyes one more time their soul will get lost in the light of yours and maybe if you touch them one more time they will remember how you both melted into one so many times.. when you moaned in synchronicity at every thrust, when you hugged at every meeting and goodbye, when you moisturised their skin with butter and a whole lot of love radiating through your palms.
I wish I could share these generic lists and tips with you that will magically make it all okay; I could but I don’t want to. I want you to feel every single heart throb. I want you to be aware of how tight the walls of your chest come together when you squeeze the warm tears from your eyes. I want you to lay in bed and not want to do anything for days and I want you to fucking feel all of the hurt and confusion because like waste, your body gets better by expelling negative emotions outwards. No brain trick is going to actively make you stop loving them tomorrow or next week or next month.
You are going to love them, long for what was and what could’ve been, You are going to get up everyday and work through the hurt because well capitalism has us by the neck babes and you can’t be heartbroken and broke at the same time x. You will be aware of the hurt and affection when you randomly miss them because you are making breakfast and you made your toast just how they liked theirs. You are going to miss them because you opened that wallet that still smells of their perfume from months ago. You are going to miss the plans you never fulfilled because they are fulfilling them with others right now. You are going block and unblock, see what they are up to until one day you will realise, you have not thought about them in over a month.
One day you will be making your toast and you will get flashbacks of how they liked theirs and giggle at how silly it all was. One day you will realise you have not cared about what they are up to in a week, a month, a year. One day you will realise your heart has perfectly contracted to only beat for you and you won’t shed a tear. One day, the hurt would have completely pass out of your body through your tears, your sweat, your breath, your will. One day you will accept that your love was one of the most beautiful things you shared at that time and they needed it. One day you will love again. And again. And again. And again until your body becomes one with the earth and your soul gives the universe more love than it could ever give when it was harboured by your body.
*Processing or experiencing heartbreak should not result to physically harming yourself or others and their properties. If you find yourself actively trying to do this, seek support from friends and family and or medical help. Sometimes all you need is someone to listen to you cry and hug you without invalidating your feelings. Don’t catch a case or destroy yourself as a result of lack of romantic love please babes. Cry and block and unblock and block and unblock but do not every escalate it to an action that will damage your character or other relationships.