Unrequited Love: How to Move on from Loving Someone who DOESN’T Love You.

This post has all the information you need to take back your love and move on healthily open to loving someone else in the future. You have unfortunately experienced one of the most painful forms of heartbreak; join the gang darling x. If you are not currently experiencing this, you might be reading to prep yourself so if the universe ever decides to do a negative 360 on you, you are ready to spin that shit right back.

What Is Unrequited Love?

Unrequited Love is defined as a feeling of love that is not returned. A very simple sentence to define something that can eat away at valuable weeks, months and even years of your life if you do not learn how to process and move on from it healthily.

Why Does Loving Someone Who Does not Love You back HURT this much?

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You are not alone. In fact you are actually part of about 80% of the population who will at some point love someone who cannot love them back; the 20% who do not experience this are lucky bastards… so for those of us who aren’t so lucky we have to understand and process it. You will be tempted to wait or try to convince this person to love you….. darling, DON’T. Darling, you can never make someone love you if they do not want to. So process the hurt and let go.


REJECTION

This right here is the culprit. When someone tells you that they cannot respond to your emotions in the way you want them to, you feel rejected and that shit sucks! You feel insecure, unwanted and undesirable. It sucks so bad that there has been multiple studies to analyse how the brain reacts to being rejected so lets take a little dive into the research:

Firstly, your emotions are absolutely valid. Do not ever punish yourself for loving someone, it is natural as “humans have a fundamental need to belong. Just as we have needs for food and water, we also have needs for positive and lasting relationships”- C.Nathan Dewall.

The Cyberball research by Naomi Eisenberger in 2003 concluded that the areas of the brain triggered in people who experienced rejection are the exact same areas triggered when we experience physical pain.

Another research by Ethan Kross in 2011 revealed that when images of their ex was shown to people who had recently broken up with their partners, their brain regions triggered by physical pain lit up. So this tells us that you are not just in your head about how much it hurts, your brain processes rejection as a form of pain and with pain, there is always a treatment; sometimes this treatment is quick and numbs it immediately, other times it takes just a little bit longer.

So now you know this, How do you Move On without being bitter?

Moving on from a romantic bond takes a lot of self reflection. Of course some people will say “get under someone new, to get over someone else”. Whether it is a crush who does not feel the same, someone you were dating that changed their mind or a relationship where your partner decided they wanted something else in life that does not include you; the hurt will be there and getting under someone new only gets you a new person to pile on more hurt to what was not healed.

Here are some steps to process unrequited love and actually healing leaving you positive and open for more love in the future:

REALISATION (Take them off the pedestal): When you are in love or attracted to someone, it is all roses and the passion makes you focus on all the positive things about them. The idea of being with them becomes your main source of dopamine. This passion usually prevents us from actually getting to know them as a person as opposed to the object of our desires. The idea of them you have is one that makes you blur out their flaws and only focus on your ideal perfection; so to you, there is no one in the world as amazing as this person.

Truth is, if you take a moment and actually focus on the behaviours of that person, you will learn that they are not as special as you have made them out to be. Like you and everyone else, they have flaws and are just human. This realisation will take you out of the scarcity mindset and you will gradually realise that the only perfection this person has, is the perfection you attributed to them.

SELF REFLECTION AND FOCUS: This is often the task that we fail at miserably. Self reflection is not an exercise to chastise yourself to the point of invalidating your feelings. Saying things like “I am stupid, why would I allow myself to love someone who clearly does not want me” does not get you any step closer to healthy healing.

Self reflection is understanding why the rejection might be affecting you that intensely or longer than others.

It is understanding your attachment style. Take the attachment style quiz here. Understanding this arms you with information to compassionately assess your emotions and process them as opposed to avoiding them. “The cure for not receiving love does not lie in avoiding to experience it”.

Once you have understood this, flip that camera and keep that lens focused on you. Now is a great time to take on tasks that reward you and give you that dopamine satisfaction the wanting for your loved one provided. Be careful not to bury yourself in work and socialising as a way to avoid feeling the uncomfortable feelings of rejection, your healing is not a race. Take your time.

DISTANCE: “Out of sight, out of mind”. Putting a considerable amount of distance between you and the other party is important for you to process your emotions healthily without relapsing.

This includes not stalking them on social media after you have unfollowed/blocked them. Your mind needs time to create an accurate perception of this person and if you are still in communication or consuming the life of this person visually, you don’t give yourself the environment to unlearn and take them off the pedestal you have put them on.

So block them. Unfollow them. Delete their number and cut off all communication until you get to the mind-frame where you can maintain communication with them without expecting love.

ACCEPTANCE: Going through the first two steps and implementing some distance will get you to this final point. This is the point where you take deep breaths, your mind is clear and you have accepted that you fell in love with someone who simply does not love you. Whatever that person’s reasons are for not loving you has no bearing on your self worth or desirability.

They are just ONE person and this planet is filled with millions of people. Yes, they might be a dope ass person but there are many dope ass people everywhere. You are deserving of the love you envisioned but you can never force someone to give it to you. Take the time to work on your emotional attachments and balance it out without totally giving up on love.

Unrequited Love and rejection can lead to depression, obsession and in some extreme cases physical harm. If you feel like your mental health is rapidly deteriorating and you are having life threatening thoughts towards yourself or others, seek help from a supportive structure and or medical help. Don’t allow one person’s NO to negatively throw you off your life’s path. Another person is never worth you losing a considerable amount of life’s most valuable currency- time.

  1. The one way i moved from my first and only heartbreak was by accepting reality.. i accepted the pain. I allowed myself to feel the pain and not bottle anything up. After a fee days I realized he’ll never get another me and thats his loss.. so i picked myself up. Wished him the best and moved on.
    Twitter handle: @rohieo

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  2. Moving on from unrequited love or heartbreak is the absolute devil.😭😭😭 A tried and true method for me for dealing with it is blocking and cutting off all communication, this includes friends or anyone that will potentially be a reminder (yea I’m extreme but desperate times call for desperate measures and girl’s gotta move onnnn). I also find things to distract me, cause when my mind is not busy, then the temptation to unblock and reach out again is quite similar to experiencing withdrawals and needing that drug (him) to function. Once I’ve successfully overcome the desperate phase I can now turn in and reflect and process my feelings and thoughts. @NgaimaSesay

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  3. The way I moved on from a heartbreak is that I distance myself from those who aren’t supportive and surround myself with good people
    Twitter handle: @ saiicham

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  4. Personally, I let time does its due. I don’t rush it or beat myself over it (sometimes I do lol), I just let myself feel whatever I feel at the moment and allow it to pass.
    Twitter handle – @the_wilson23

    Ps. This is my second time reading this piece, just saying 🤷🏾‍♂️

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  5. The way I got through my heartbreak was to go through the hurt: cried when I felt like it, go through old memories, and did things I used to do together, alone… telling myself that’s it’s fine, and def not reaching out. Then after a few days, get on with life, and watch time heal the pain.
    Twitter handle is @Mhizz_lu

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  6. It wasn’t easy me moving on, it was really hard I actually suffered because it was unexpected. I didn’t see it coming after but cutting off all communications deleted his numbers ,blocked him on all social media even our mutual friends because i didn’t want them posting about him and me seeing it. I later accepted reality, wished him well and i put it to my self he wasn’t meant for me. It wasn’t really easy but Alhamdulilah I’m all good now ☺️
    @MattaMbye

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  7. Absolutely loved this read❤️
    A definite way of moving on that works for me is relying on my friends as my support unit. Spending time with them and just having people to vent to in general who affirm your feelings and simple listen goes a long way in helping you get over such a difficult moment.
    A mistake that most of us make is centering all of our life on romantic relationships and forgetting the importance of retaining and being there for our friends.
    Twitter handle : ya_aidaa

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  8. One solution to unrequited love is getting to know the person more, through which we will inevitably discover their various flaws, it is then up to us to decide whether we can accept, live with and cherish those flaws.

    Another cure for an anguished heart is to feel secure in the knowledge that “this too shall pass. Personally, listening to pink’s song “try” helped. “But just because it burns, doesn’t mean you’re gonna die. You gotta get up and try” @Cosmic_misfit

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  9. I made myself believe the fact that at some point one has to be selfish and expect a little from others.
    This in return made me see things differently and has helped in dealing with such situations without getting to hold grudges or hatred towards those involved.

    We should prioritize ourselves and focus on what lies ahead but equally show love and appreciation to those that passed through our lives.

    We are all winners. @AbubacarrJanne6

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  10. Moving on is never easy for me but it was especially tough having to learn to move away from the one person I thought I could never live without. I had to learn to accept the fact that we can never happen, that yes! we have indeed broken up and there was no way to go back. I realized I didn’t love myself enough and that is why it was difficult for me. Thank God for good friends and constantly reminding myself that I am a queen and whoever I end up with is lucky to have me because I know what I come with. Often times we are in denial and cannot accept the fact whatsoever. Learning to accept the reality is one of the best ways to deal with a heart break or moving on.
    @Fa2_Ndure

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  11. Well I healed from heart break by accepting reality I understand that I would never go back to it again
    I engaged myself in to hobbies eg reading I got myself wattpad just to get my head off the memories
    I blocked and deleted his number so I wouldn’t be in touch with him again because seeing him might make me fall all over for him again
    And I tried focusing on other relationships
    This helped a lot and with time I healed and moved on

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    1. Well I healed from heart break by accepting reality I understand that I would never go back to it again
      I engaged myself in to hobbies eg reading I got myself wattpad just to get my head off the memories
      I blocked and deleted his number so I wouldn’t be in touch with him again because seeing him might make me fall all over for him again
      And I tried focusing on other relationships
      Twitter handle …..@xoxo_binta
      This helped a lot and with time I healed and moved on

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  12. I healed from heartbreak by accepting reality let myself wallow for a certain amount of time—say, an hour. Cry, scream, yell, journal, do whatever i need to do to let my emotions flow freely . But when those 60 minutes are up, I stop and move on to something else.
    Twitter handle @MBeckieee

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  13. Honestly heartbreaks hurt like hell. I suffer a lot cuz when I’m dating someone I give my all. I’m with you emotionally physically and mentally. When it gets to the point where we have to go our separate ways i go through so much pain. It takes up to a week to heal mostly I don’t communicate with people mostly and listen to sad songs.

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  14. Honestly heartbreaks hurt like hell. I suffer a lot cuz when I’m dating someone I give my all. I’m with you emotionally physically and mentally. When it gets to the point where we have to go our separate ways i go through so much pain. It takes up to a week to heal mostly I don’t communicate with people mostly and listen to sad songs.
    Twitter: @bintou_j

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  15. I will block him from all social media, delete his number, make peace with the past and move on.

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  16. It was hard, there is no way that it doesn’t hard the first or second or time, just it hurts. At first I would be depressed and unable to concentrate, I result to blocking on social media and all other sites, that leads me to directly interact with the person. I learn accept myself and heal through the process for me. It gets tough but in end it’s always worth it.@mamakbeh

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  17. Moving on has to be one of the hardest things ever. There’s always things we have to move on from, but moving on from someone you’ve already given your all is the worst. I like to believe that everything happens for a reason so I tend to remind myself of that a lot when I’m trying to move on and that perhaps it would have been worst if I stayed in the relationship. I focus on myself and work on bettering myself.

    Twitter: @khadijandure

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  18. Acceptance coupled with self reflection and focus. Always best to look inward. Great read. @miss_petite_j

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  19. If there is one thing I learned during the time my heart was broken, and which completely helped me to heal quickly is to delete and block everyone that reminds me of him l. This truly helped me.

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  20. Accepting reality. Avoid getting Stuck in the Past and Do Appreciate the Good Memories. With this you are safe. @Uncle_Babou

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  21. For me, I start to take in the love that has always been there, always been apparent. Meaning the love from family and friends and know that – that in and of itself is more love than I’ll ever need @6uuc_

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  22. Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny. It’s a bittersweet journey but the one thing that has helped me move on from it all is , forgiving myself, forgiving the situation, and learning to realize that the situation is over, and it’s time to pick the pieces and move forward. – .
    @NdiayeIda

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